“It Was Surreal”: 25 Family Functions That Are Memorable For The Wrong Reasons

When you plan a family event, there’s usually a lot of trepidation involved when you think of certain relatives you have to invite. Perhaps it’s the hypochondriacal grandma or the drunk uncle or that crazy cousin who’s considered the black sheep of the family. 

#1 My dad brought threw an impromptu birthday party for himself while my mom was overseas (his birthday not until the following month) so he could introduce his affair partner to his family behind my mom’s back.

Image source: OkWeird8, Nicole Michalou

The thing about the AP was she had “disappeared” in order to avoid a subpoena. My dad had told investigators when they were looking for her that he had no idea where she was and then brought her to this function two days later.

My dad thought his family would welcome the AP which would force my mom to accept her as a part of our family. Apparently he wanted a whole sister wife scenario.

For some reason, he didn’t think my uncle – a working police detective – would rat him and his affair partner out to law enforcement lol.

The spaghetti was good, though. .

#2 Boy, do I have a good one.

So, waaay back in the day, my aunt went to university with a nice boy who was studying medicine, while she was studying accounting.

20 years later, and he became our family doctor. He’s the GP for me, my brother, my parents, my aunt, my cousins…and we’re close friends with his family, his son, his wider relations, and their friends. One big happy family-and-friends group.

So, a few years ago, before COVID (I think 2016, 2017?) our doc invites us out to his 60th birthday. All his family was there – cousins, cousins-in-law, nephews, nieces, family friends (including all of us) etc etc. He’d booked out an entire Italian restaurant to celebrate his birthday.

We’re sitting down, we’re talking, we’re eating. The restaurant is divided into two halves – the “adults area” with all our parents, and the “kids area” with me, my doctor’s son, his cousins, and all our mutual friends. Everything is totally fine and normal…

…and then my friend’s aunt, my doctor’s cousin-in-law, comes running over to tell my friend’s cousin that something’s happened, and come at once.

My friend’s cousin’s father has passed out. Fainted dead away, slumped in his seat and fell off the chair onto the floor, like something out of a slapstick comedy film.

So the birthday boy – our doctor – hurries over to help his cousin, who’s now out-cold on the floor.

He calls his son over – my friend – who is also a doctor – to help him.

He tells our friend – another doctor – to call an ambulance.

While our friend’s calling an ambulance, his mother – ANOTHER DOCTOR – comes over to check the man’s vitals while he’s out on the floor.

My friend’s cousin calls over her boyfriend, who’s a pharmacist.

So we have four doctors and one pharmacist all administering CPR and whatnot, to this guy who’s out cold on the floor, in the middle of a restaurant packed with friends and family.

The ambulance arrives, and they manage to stabilise him and revive him and get him into a wheelchair. I asked my friend’s cousin’s mother what happened, and she goes:

“Oh, he’s an idiot! He took his medicine, and then chased it down with a glass of red! Idiot man!! I mean, you’d think he’d know better!!”

Yeah, you’d think so, wouldn’t you? After all…

…the patient…wait for it…IS ALSO A F*****G DOCTOR!!

Yes, he got to hospital and recovered. He’s fine now.

Image source: Dippycat149

#3 Not my story but my cousins- her aunt was always a little off. You know the type. The family was pretty low contact with her because of this but not no contact. The aunt has a daughter (let’s say “Tara”) that the entire family loves and looks out for. She’s not “off” like her mom but being raised by such a person she turns out very free spirited. When she reaches adulthood she is off to explore the world. At some point the aunt informs the family Tara has been in a terrible accident overseas, and a few days later confirms Tara has passed. The family mourns but is told by Tara’s mom that she had her cremated and the ashes buried wherever she was and doesn’t want to do any funeral. A few months go by and Tara’s grandfather dies. Of course there will be a big family funeral for him. Tara’s mom begins calling her family members to tell them that Tara had a very close friend that would like to attend the funeral. The thing is, she says, Tara’s friend looks A LOT like Tara but would be very upset if you brought it up to her or talked to her at all. Believe it or not but wild stories were such a part of their relationship to this woman that I don’t think any one really thought about it. That is until (you guessed it) Tara, thought to be deceased by her entire extended family, walked into her actually deceased grandfather’s funeral.

Image source: Taxitaxitaxi33

#4 Kid drowned at my mother’s birthday party. EMTs shocked him back to life. The whole thing lasted maybe 10 min. It was surreal. .

Image source: pabodie, Kindel Media

#5 My sister mixed alcohol and “prescription” medication as the matron of honor at a cousin’s wedding. She got black out drunk, gave lap dances during the reception, instigated a fight with her husband in the parking lot almost costing him his high security government job because He was arrested, not her, even though she was drunk as hell. The final act was passing out on my Aunt’s white couch and pissing herself while wearing a maroon dress thus staining said white couch pink.

Image source: MNConcerto, Julia Larson

She didn’t quit drinking after this.

I have been no contact for 19 years for this among many other egregious behaviors over the course of 3 decades.

Oh and if my sister recognizes this story or someone in my extended family, Hello. Also try to deny this happened. I believe it was all recorded in full color on a camcorder.

#6 My grandmother tried to shoot herself in the front yard because my mother wouldn’t let me and my siblings (6, 4 and 2) ride sitting on the back hood of my uncle’s classic convertible during their neighborhood Fourth of July parade. She was angry that no one would be able to see our outfits if we were seated inside the car and while trying to shoot herself accidentally grazed my grandpa in the process. Good times.

Image source: CheeryOxCharm, Meruyert Gonullu

#7 My BIL went around telling everyone my sisters make up and dress made her look like a Las Vegas W**re… at our other sisters wedding. This was before she had to go and stand up in front of a 100 people… she had normal make up and a normal bridesmaid dress. So, not only was her husband embarrassing her to everyone (including strangers) she was genuinely embarrassed to stand up there because she thought she looked so awful. Didn’t matter what we told her, either.
F’in Douche.

Image source: ljd09, Evoking Ephemerality

#8 Grandma’s funeral: my uncle, my grandma’s disowned son, came to her viewing in jeans, polo shirt, and his weird wife & and her “service” dog. My grandpa was so mad that he kicked my uncle out. My uncle then went to my grandparents’ house and cleaned it out. It took a couple weeks to figure that out because my grandpa was in a nursing home at that point. My deadbeat uncle, who walked our on his five kids to marry a psychopath, literally stole from my grandpa during my grandma’s funeral.

Image source: anon, Pavel Danilyuk

#9 Went to my friends family reunion and got to see a dating couple find out they were related.

Image source: According-Touch-1996, cottonbro studio

#10 At the end of my aunt’s open casket funeral service I knocked down a floral spray and it dominoed the rest of the flowers around the casket and she was covered in floral.

Image source: FeelingSummer1968, Pavel Danilyuk

#11 My Grandma faked a heart attack at my 7th birthday party. She claimed she had like a year or less to live and had been faking that she had cancer.

Image source: xxBLVCKMVGICxx, Nashua Volquez-Young

Parents take her to the hospital, all the tests they do for a heart attack come back fine. My Mom orders some other tests as well to see what’s really up.

Turned out she was completely fine and wasn’t going to die, she just made it up to try and get money from my parents. Haven’t seen her since then either.

#12 I have always had trouble getting along with my uncle and my autistic cousin (his nephew). At my grandpa’s funeral, being a Jewish funeral, the closest male relatives are asked to come forward to dig up some dirt and place it on top of the coffin. Then they ask anyone else if they’d like to do the same. I just happened to be in front of my uncle at that time, and he barked under his breath for me to “MOVE!” I replied, “MOVE PLEASE!” while he grunted and rolled his eyes at me while forcibly pushing me out the way.

Back at my Nanna’s for lunch afterwards, I just happened to be in front of him again in the narrow hallway leading to the kitchen and he decided I wasn’t moving fast enough for his liking and starting barking at me again to, “MOVE….MOOOVE!” but much louder this time. I turned around at yelled at him that he’s been giving me mixed messages about whether he cared about me my whole life, and to pick a f*****g lane! Naturally, my extended family members who I don’t get to see that often all heard it. His girlfriend was on my side at least.

My Mum also argued with my cousin until they were both blue in the face over certain religious requirements of the Chevra Kadisha as they’re an Orthodox organisation (that deal with the deceased and funerals) and my cousin is Reform. She ended up screaming at him, and my extended family members heard that, too.

A few months later, there was an event at his girlfriend’s shop, and we argued again, and he told me I was lucky not to be thrown on top of the coffin!

More months later, at Seder (first night Passover), that same Uncle’s poured the leftover oil from the pulled lamb he made down my Nanny’s sink in her brand new apartment and blocked it! Then he accidentally swung round a wine bottle and broke a glass full of red wine all over the tablecloth. He also argued with my mother and Nanna. I was just glad not to be his target this time. Needless to say, my Nanna has now retired from hosting Seders!

How anyone can read this and think Jews could possibly agree with each other long enough to execute giant, worldwide conspiracy theories is bloody laughable really! Just attend one shabbat dinner and get back to me! As we say, if 2 Jews are sitting around the table, they’ll be 3 opinions!

Image source: DitaVonFleas

#13 Was at my now wife’s father’s wedding reception. They eloped and had a fancy dinner with the family. My wife’s uncle tried to toast the couple several times but no one heard him. My father in law quiets his family and says, “Uncle John is trying to say something.”

Image source: Wafflestarship, Julia Kuzenkov

Uncle John says “to father in law and *his ex wife’s name*. Many happy returns.”

This poor man had nailed it the few times he tried before and boofed it when it counted.

#14 I was invited to a neighbors birthday party, with the extended family there. I was tired, I stayed in the house. A father and 19 yr old son were sitting at the kitchen table with others, drinking alcohol. As a joke, the son pointed a handgun at his father, and pulled the trigger. The gun was loaded, the father died, shot on the face.

Image source: 3x5cardfiler, Ketut Subiyanto

#15 One attendee had sex with his own sister underneath a table. They were both very drunk.

Image source: Heroic-Forger, Pixabay

#16 This didn’t happen to me, but I watched it happen and it was awful.

Image source: Whimsy_Willow, RDNE Stock project

My cousin was pregnant from a guy who she had only been dating for a few months, but he was a good guy.  On Christmas Eve she invited him to our family gathering and when we were exchanging presents he grabbed a small box from the tree and was 2 seconds from getting down on one knee when *that uncle* jokingly says, “god I hope you’re not proposing!” Everyone laughs and this poor guy is in a half bent knee/half standing pose and just looks up at *that uncle* and slowly powers through it and slowly gets down on one knee and proceeds to ask her if she’ll marry him. She said yes and they’re engaged but it was one of the worst 45 seconds of my life.

#17 I remember when my brothers and cousins spent two summers building a viking ship and they took it out on a fjord when we had a family reunion function. Only my brothers and cousins went out on it and after being chased by the coast guard the ship eventually began leaking and it sank leaving them to be rescued by the coast guard. Luckily they only got slapped with a warning do not build another ship again.

Image source: Goddessviking86, Barnabas Davoti

#18 Thanksgiving dinner going around the table sharing what we are thankful for. My brother gives thanks for his wife not kicking him out when she recently found out he had been having an affair. It was humiliating for her and embarrassing for the rest of us. For God’s sake, there were children at the table. We never went around for thanks at the dinner table again. The children are all adults now, and yes they do remember vividly. What the hell was he thinking?

Image source: GoodFriday10, August de Richelieu

#19 My grandmother argued with me about my age. Apparently I don’t know how old I am. Needless to say we don’t speak much.

Image source: klovesturtless, Paul Theodor Oja

#20 Found my dad dead across the room from me when I was 5 on Christmas eve.

Image source: elite_Xray123, Pixabay

#21 My alcoholic uncle got so drunk at his own daughter’s wedding that he [peed] on the wedding cake in front of half the wedding party. “He quit drinking after that.

Image source: matbigx, Brent Keane

#22 Let me preface by saying, all these events happened at *the same Christmas party*.

Image source: SyntheticPureCocaine, Crypto Crow

Family friend in the military is relaxing by the fire drinking a beer, we’ll call him Shane. Family friend #2, we’ll call him Angus, came and sat by the fire to smoke some pot. Angus offers some of his pot to Shane, which Shane declines as he’s still active duty and gets randomly tested. Angus starts berating Shane and insists he must be a cop to act like that, and decided the best course of action would be to pick a fight with a f*****g 3 deployment combat vet. It ended about like you’d expect, with Angus flat on his a*s. Angus jumps up and screams he’s gonna come back and kill everyone and runs towards his car and leaves.

About 15 minutes after Angus left, my Aunt and Uncle started drunk arguing in the shop where the party was mainly taking place, and started throwing chairs and beer bottles at each other. I wasn’t around to see the resolution of that, but IIRC I was told someone told them to calm down or they’d call the cops and they both calmed down and left shortly after.

Then within about 10 minutes of that calming down, my dad’s cousin got drunk and started trying to beat the s**t out of her husband, and my dad had to tackle her and hold her down to wait for the cops. They came and tried to not take her to jail but she wouldn’t quit acting up so they ran her name and she had a bounced check, so off to jail she went.

THEN, maybe a half hour later, here comes Angus’s car slowlyyy down the driveway. All the adults immediately shoved the kids inside and my dad and uncles met him at the driveway with guns and sure enough, he had come back with a gun to kill Shane. They all talked him down and thankfully he ended up giving them the gun and went home, and I don’t think I ever saw him again. From what I remember of him he was a nice normal guy but he got like that when he drank. But either way that was the last time we had a Christmas party that was that big, we had to start cutting a lot of crazy family out of the invite list for the Christmas party from then on.

As a kid it never sank in how bad that night could’ve been, but as an adult I can’t believe no one called the cops on him when he *told them* that he was coming back with a gun. My best guess is everyone figured he would go home and pass out drunk, but still, if someone says they’re bringing a gun back to the house my kids are at to kill someone, I’m calling the cops and if I can get to my gun in time, they’re not leaving until the cops get there to deal with them.

#23 My stepdad threw a liquor bottle at my auntie during my mom’s funeral. I wasn’t in the room because i was comforting my sobbing cousin. my mom’s sister (my aunt) also slapped me that night because we’d had my mom cremated according to her wishes, and my aunt didn’t agree with that. tough titty, ’twas already done n dusted, no pun intended. but yeah, that was a fun night.

Image source: p3achplum3arthsun, Pegah Sharifi

#24 During Christmas with the family we discovered the hard way that my little sister, who was 3 years old, was prone to febrile seizures. Everyone was freaking out while my little sister was blue and foaming at the mouth.

Image source: Soft_Whisperxo, MART PRODUCTION

#25 Mom died at my Dad’s funeral…was surreal.

Image source: JimfromMayberry