25 Subtle Red Flags People Overlooked In Relationships That Became Toxic
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In the world of relationships, hindsight often provides clarity that can feel painfully obvious after the fact. A recent Reddit prompt asked people, “People that escaped a bad relationship, what's the first red flag you ignored that would have saved you a lot of time if handled?”
The responses were eye-opening, revealing that while some red flags are subtle, others can be glaring—yet all too easy to overlook when emotions are involved. Here are some of the top answers shared by Redditors who learned important lessons from their experiences.
Image source: squambish, Tima Miroshnichenko
She never was wrong, nor did she apologize. She would say that I was yelling (when I wasn’t). She would say I had said hurtful things and that I “don’t even realize what I’m saying”.
I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at her suggestion and was put on medication for 7 years (still together with her). I then was hospitalized on psychiatric hold when I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I felt like ending it all because clearly I was hurting someone I loved emotionally and never realized it.
When I got out, someone mentioned I was being gaslit.
We broke up 7 years ago and I am no longer on medication and in a happy relationship with a beautiful son.
I feel like a fool for not realizing that she was doing that.
Sharing this is an embarrassment, I might end up deleting it. I’m just keeping it here in hopes that it might help someone.
Edit: *I always thought I was alone until today. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for all the kind words and I do have quite a few DMs to respond to, so please bear with me. If my experience sounds familiar, please seek support from someone outside of your relationship and unbiased to your situation. You’re not crazy and it’s not always your fault.*.
Image source: SleepyTobi, Nathan Cowley
Me. I was the first red flag. I was a terrible person who took a wonderful woman and f*****g ruined her. Her personality was wonderful and driven. And I made her nearly codependent on me. And the cycle reversed back to me. I needed mental health and she was so dependent on me that I had no help for my needs.
I ruined her, which almost k*lled me. We divorced and are both much happier, healthier, and friendlier. She has regained most of what I ruined.
And i became humbled and less of a trash bag of a person.
Image source: weareallmadherealice, RDNE Stock project
Negative negative negative. There was not one positive comment when he came home most days. It was everyone else’s fault but him. Edit: I left him two weeks ago. Air mattress but me and the kitties are safe.
Image source: Phoebus_Apollo_30, Hanna Auramenka
When I realised how excited I was for the days when he was at work, and I was at home. Only happened a few times a week. But I should have realised the change in my energy and mood the moment I heard the car pull up.
Image source: ProfessorGigs, Kampus Production
Critiquing my proudest achievements or appearance. Then instantly love-bombing me the day afterwards.
The contrast you get from feeling so low to feeling so high feels INCREDIBLE, and that's what makes this type of situation dangerous.
Edit: I'm happy to see that this comment is picking up steam, and that it might either serve as a warning to those in the dating scene or a call to action to leave such a relationship if there's no signs of hope.
Image source: chumbucket77, Polina Zimmerman
Sentences starting with “I let you”. F****n run if you hear that ever.
Image source: daTKM, SHVETS production
The first punch to the face. Thought it was normal for girls to do that when upset. Only took me 8 years to understand it wasn't ok.
Image source: bluecheeseaficionado, Photo By: Kaboompics.com Photo By: Kaboompics.com
He was an influencer and posted a video montage of our camping trip that didn't show any evidence that I was there, it looked like he'd gone camping alone. I had planned the whole thing, driven the whole time, and prepared all the food.
Image source: a_n_g_e_l_a_n_d_i_a, Yan Krukau
Not being able to figure out what I did to make him mad. It was unavoidable.
Image source: mrss_ann, whoiswasiq
The constant ‘jokes’ that were actually just hurtful comments disguised as humor. Brushing them off early on set the tone for disrespect to be normalized.
Image source: Low-Willingness-2301, Antoni Shkraba
How they talk about the people in their life. Avoid people who blame others for their life. If you don't, you're going to be the next one in the receiving end of that blame.
Image source: xfuckityfuck, Anete Lusina
He strangled me, quickly, out of the blue for smiling at my phone. I had been texting another female coworker, who he knew I considered a friend at the time. I wish I had ran then.
Image source: Van_Helsing_24, Alex Green
Making changes to myself to suit my partner's wants and moods without any regard to whether they were positively or negatively impacting my life.
Image source: theninjanamedaly, Andrea Piacquadio
First red flag was on our fourth date. We met up with some friends of mine and had a few drinks while we chatted. During this time, my car had gotten towed (I drove). I didn’t live more than a mile and change away, and on the walk home he completely tore into me verbally about what gross s**ts my friend and I both were for being sexually active before either of us were 18 (this was a very brief topic of conversation, I do not remember why). He berated me until we got back to my place and I, a young 20 something, had enough and burst into tears. He didn’t have a car at the time and I didn’t have enough money or the means to get my car back from the tow, so I also didn’t have enough for him to uber home.
So once I was in tears, it was like a switch flipped and he instantly went to comfort me like he wasn’t the reason I was so upset. It was the start of many years of emotional abuse and I wish I had ended things between us that night and saved so much psychological turmoil.
Image source: lewllie, Katie Salerno
I was 17 and he was 35, i was so thrilled to be seen as “more mature for my age” which is something you should beware of if it comes from someone older than you who’s not your family, now that i think about it. he gaslit me into thinking i was in a relationship with him but that he wasn’t in a relationship with me. this was obviously just a way to have intercourse with other women (but a stupid teenager i didn’t even think he would do something like that). then he started asking me to watch me having intercourse with other men and occasionally take videos of that. that was my first “relationship” so i thought this was normal. had go through therapy and everything else.
Image source: fatchamy, Liza Summer
He was completely unable to stop his ex wife from triangulating herself into our relationship every opportunity she had under the guise of “best friend” and “an abundance of love”.
I’m talking like, trying to have a nice group dinner at the 2 month mark and she suddenly demands we talk about engagement rings and whether or not we’re aligned on having kids.
Lots of weird and invasive trespassing, repeated provocation and baiting behaviors, minimization, gaslighting, etc. He enabled it all by taking a passive backseat to it all and only gave placating words with no actions.
Of course, it got waaaaaay worse and eventually I understood there was a horrible codependent dynamic between the two of them and lots of crazy making behaviors that brought about the worst chapter of my whole adult life.
I made the mistake of reacting with grace and compassion, but I should have run at the 1st WTF moment. I needed to turn that compassion to myself first and foremost. Lesson learned.
Image source: lyingliar, RDNE Stock project
She was always angry with me about something. Some way that she felt mistreated, unseen, etc. It was so consistent that I realized it had nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to be the target of her anger, and I wasn't interested in being that someone. We were young. Hope she's doing better now.
Image source: CleanWholesomePhun, Kaboompics.com
When I told her "Sometimes it seems like you don't care about how I feel, you just want what you want" and she started crying and yelling instead of taking about things. .
Image source: HerrAdventure, Katerina Holmes
"All my exes are narcissists," she said to me early on...
Felt like that was perhaps bad luck for her? Turns out it was most likely her being the narcissist in her past relationships, based on what I experienced. Taught me what to look out for and avoid, so wasn't a complete all for nothing situation.
Image source: Elira_Ender_20, Vera Arsic
Disrespect and they weren't willing to discuss issues openly or listen to my feelings.
Image source: LegendaryUser, Liza Summer
Aggressive or emphatic reactions to truly benign things. If you notice they can’t keep their cool for absolute non-problems, real problems will have them blowing their gaskets.
Image source: Autumn_Fyre, Image-Source
His love of throwing furniture when he was mad.
#1
Image source: squambish, Tima Miroshnichenko
She never was wrong, nor did she apologize. She would say that I was yelling (when I wasn’t). She would say I had said hurtful things and that I “don’t even realize what I’m saying”.
I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at her suggestion and was put on medication for 7 years (still together with her). I then was hospitalized on psychiatric hold when I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I felt like ending it all because clearly I was hurting someone I loved emotionally and never realized it.
When I got out, someone mentioned I was being gaslit.
We broke up 7 years ago and I am no longer on medication and in a happy relationship with a beautiful son.
I feel like a fool for not realizing that she was doing that.
Sharing this is an embarrassment, I might end up deleting it. I’m just keeping it here in hopes that it might help someone.
Edit: *I always thought I was alone until today. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for all the kind words and I do have quite a few DMs to respond to, so please bear with me. If my experience sounds familiar, please seek support from someone outside of your relationship and unbiased to your situation. You’re not crazy and it’s not always your fault.*.
#2
Image source: SleepyTobi, Nathan Cowley
Me. I was the first red flag. I was a terrible person who took a wonderful woman and f*****g ruined her. Her personality was wonderful and driven. And I made her nearly codependent on me. And the cycle reversed back to me. I needed mental health and she was so dependent on me that I had no help for my needs.
I ruined her, which almost k*lled me. We divorced and are both much happier, healthier, and friendlier. She has regained most of what I ruined.
And i became humbled and less of a trash bag of a person.
#3
Image source: weareallmadherealice, RDNE Stock project
Negative negative negative. There was not one positive comment when he came home most days. It was everyone else’s fault but him. Edit: I left him two weeks ago. Air mattress but me and the kitties are safe.
#4
Image source: Phoebus_Apollo_30, Hanna Auramenka
When I realised how excited I was for the days when he was at work, and I was at home. Only happened a few times a week. But I should have realised the change in my energy and mood the moment I heard the car pull up.
#5
Image source: ProfessorGigs, Kampus Production
Critiquing my proudest achievements or appearance. Then instantly love-bombing me the day afterwards.
The contrast you get from feeling so low to feeling so high feels INCREDIBLE, and that's what makes this type of situation dangerous.
Edit: I'm happy to see that this comment is picking up steam, and that it might either serve as a warning to those in the dating scene or a call to action to leave such a relationship if there's no signs of hope.
#6
Image source: chumbucket77, Polina Zimmerman
Sentences starting with “I let you”. F****n run if you hear that ever.
#7
Image source: daTKM, SHVETS production
The first punch to the face. Thought it was normal for girls to do that when upset. Only took me 8 years to understand it wasn't ok.
#8
Image source: bluecheeseaficionado, Photo By: Kaboompics.com Photo By: Kaboompics.com
He was an influencer and posted a video montage of our camping trip that didn't show any evidence that I was there, it looked like he'd gone camping alone. I had planned the whole thing, driven the whole time, and prepared all the food.
#9
Image source: a_n_g_e_l_a_n_d_i_a, Yan Krukau
Not being able to figure out what I did to make him mad. It was unavoidable.
#10
Image source: mrss_ann, whoiswasiq
The constant ‘jokes’ that were actually just hurtful comments disguised as humor. Brushing them off early on set the tone for disrespect to be normalized.
#11
Image source: Low-Willingness-2301, Antoni Shkraba
How they talk about the people in their life. Avoid people who blame others for their life. If you don't, you're going to be the next one in the receiving end of that blame.
#12
Image source: xfuckityfuck, Anete Lusina
He strangled me, quickly, out of the blue for smiling at my phone. I had been texting another female coworker, who he knew I considered a friend at the time. I wish I had ran then.
#13
If your significant other wants to limit your interactions with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, run. Please. Run away from that. Your partner should want to experience life WITH you, which includes experiencing HOW you live and interact with everything. You have your own life, and it has to involve more than only one other person. Image source: zinic53000#14
Image source: Van_Helsing_24, Alex Green
Making changes to myself to suit my partner's wants and moods without any regard to whether they were positively or negatively impacting my life.
#15
Image source: theninjanamedaly, Andrea Piacquadio
First red flag was on our fourth date. We met up with some friends of mine and had a few drinks while we chatted. During this time, my car had gotten towed (I drove). I didn’t live more than a mile and change away, and on the walk home he completely tore into me verbally about what gross s**ts my friend and I both were for being sexually active before either of us were 18 (this was a very brief topic of conversation, I do not remember why). He berated me until we got back to my place and I, a young 20 something, had enough and burst into tears. He didn’t have a car at the time and I didn’t have enough money or the means to get my car back from the tow, so I also didn’t have enough for him to uber home.
So once I was in tears, it was like a switch flipped and he instantly went to comfort me like he wasn’t the reason I was so upset. It was the start of many years of emotional abuse and I wish I had ended things between us that night and saved so much psychological turmoil.
#16
Image source: lewllie, Katie Salerno
I was 17 and he was 35, i was so thrilled to be seen as “more mature for my age” which is something you should beware of if it comes from someone older than you who’s not your family, now that i think about it. he gaslit me into thinking i was in a relationship with him but that he wasn’t in a relationship with me. this was obviously just a way to have intercourse with other women (but a stupid teenager i didn’t even think he would do something like that). then he started asking me to watch me having intercourse with other men and occasionally take videos of that. that was my first “relationship” so i thought this was normal. had go through therapy and everything else.
#17
Image source: fatchamy, Liza Summer
He was completely unable to stop his ex wife from triangulating herself into our relationship every opportunity she had under the guise of “best friend” and “an abundance of love”.
I’m talking like, trying to have a nice group dinner at the 2 month mark and she suddenly demands we talk about engagement rings and whether or not we’re aligned on having kids.
Lots of weird and invasive trespassing, repeated provocation and baiting behaviors, minimization, gaslighting, etc. He enabled it all by taking a passive backseat to it all and only gave placating words with no actions.
Of course, it got waaaaaay worse and eventually I understood there was a horrible codependent dynamic between the two of them and lots of crazy making behaviors that brought about the worst chapter of my whole adult life.
I made the mistake of reacting with grace and compassion, but I should have run at the 1st WTF moment. I needed to turn that compassion to myself first and foremost. Lesson learned.
#18
Image source: lyingliar, RDNE Stock project
She was always angry with me about something. Some way that she felt mistreated, unseen, etc. It was so consistent that I realized it had nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to be the target of her anger, and I wasn't interested in being that someone. We were young. Hope she's doing better now.
#19
Image source: CleanWholesomePhun, Kaboompics.com
When I told her "Sometimes it seems like you don't care about how I feel, you just want what you want" and she started crying and yelling instead of taking about things. .
#20
Image source: HerrAdventure, Katerina Holmes
"All my exes are narcissists," she said to me early on...
Felt like that was perhaps bad luck for her? Turns out it was most likely her being the narcissist in her past relationships, based on what I experienced. Taught me what to look out for and avoid, so wasn't a complete all for nothing situation.
#21
Image source: Elira_Ender_20, Vera Arsic
Disrespect and they weren't willing to discuss issues openly or listen to my feelings.
#22
Image source: LegendaryUser, Liza Summer
Aggressive or emphatic reactions to truly benign things. If you notice they can’t keep their cool for absolute non-problems, real problems will have them blowing their gaskets.
#23
I wasn't "mature for my age." He was just a predator. Image source: annarae22#24
He held me by the neck against the bar and screamed in my ear because I waved hello to a male coworker from across the restaurant ?. Image source: not-bridgette#25
Image source: Autumn_Fyre, Image-Source
His love of throwing furniture when he was mad.DE
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