25 Entertaining Tales Of Dealing With Someone Who Is Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed

We all encounter individuals who seem to compete in a personal challenge to commit the most foolish acts possible each day. While dealing with them can be frustrating, the stories of their antics often provide moments of hilarity.

Image credits: NoahtheRed

#1 Pill Pooping Kevin

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A few years back, one of my husband’s fraternity brothers stayed with us for a long weekend so he could attend some reunion-type thing. I’m fairly sure he’s a Kevin.

Since hubby and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Kevin was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn’t end well, but I was expecting get the dog drunk type antics. Nope, Kevin went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablets in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Kevin. Hubby and I aren’t the types to have anything stronger than Advil in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take 4 more.

When we got home, Kevin informed us that we’d better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds! What pills? The ones in our freezer? That’s cheese curdling enzymes called rennet. I’d been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer. It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday.

Don’t take mystery pills from the freezer, Kevin. They’re not all gonna be drugs.

#2 Kevina Insists She Meant My 2 Year Old Nephew, 5 Years Ago

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I was preparing for my baby shower. Kevina asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my 2 year old nephew would be there so she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding 5 years ago”.

Me “he’s 2. You have never met him.”

Her “yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.”

Me “my wedding was 5 years ago, he’s 2.”

Her “ he was your ring bearer”

Me “ that was my cousin”

Her “no, it was your nephew”

Me “ I only have 1 nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin”

Her “ your other nephew then”

Me “ I only have 1.” Bust out a pic of my cousin “this boy, is my cousin”.

Her “ no, that’s your nephew the ring bearer”.

I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another 5 minutes.

#3 My Mom Kevin

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My dad and I were downstairs in the living room where the landline was kept. The landline rang and my mom (5’ tall chubby Asian lady) comes barreling down the stairs at top speed. The phone stops ringing. She goes back upstairs. A minute later, the same thing: phone rings, Kevin bolts down the stairs, phone stops, she goes back upstairs, this time audibly annoyed by the mystery caller.

After this happens for the third time in 10 minutes, we ask her what the hell was going on. Turns out she was unknowingly calling the landline from her new cell phone. Then, upon hearing the phone ring, she was hanging up her cell and running downstairs to grab the phone.

We haven’t been able to figure out why she dialed the landline number in the first place. She didn’t have an answer for that one.

#4 A Kevin And His Wife Try To Walk Into A Cafe

A couple years ago, I worked at a cafe, and met my fair share of… interesting people, but this couple takes the cake when it comes to sheer stupidity. For some quick context, the main entrance to the cafe is a door you just have to pull in order to open.

I was cleaning up the coffee machine after I had made a cup for a customer when I looked out the glass wall to see a man and a woman approach the cafe. The woman tries to push open the door.

It doesn’t work.

I figure she just did that classic thing where you’re not sure which way the door opens and just tries pushing first, since it requires less effort than pulling, so I don’t think much of it, and just get ready for when they enter.

She pushes the door again.

Okay. Maybe she figured the door was just stuck. I mean, that happens every now and then, right?

I’m about to go help when I see he man walk past her with that “I got this” look on his face. He confidently places his hand on the handle and…

… he pushes.

He looks genuinely surprised, and tries again. And again. And again. Each time, he gets more forceful, at one point slamming his shoulder against the glass door. The two are so preoccupied with this door that they don’t even notice me staring dumbfounded at them the whole time, other than being, you know, helpful.

Eventually, I figure that if I don’t help, they’ll either leave or break the door, so I push myself from the counter to go there and help them. That’s when they spot an open sliding door on the other side of the cafe, leading to the outside tables, which are very popular at that time of the year, despite there being too many tables for the tiny, cramped area we have them in, and decide to go around and squeeze past all the guests sitting there and enjoying their meals.

When they finally made it through, it’s as if the stars and planets aligned perfectly. They look towards the main entrance to see an old man approach, place a hand on the handle, and… pulling the door open with no effort.

It had been an absolutely uneventful day up until that point, so I had to ask a coworker who didn’t witness this to handle them, and I just walked into the back to laugh.

Image source: suspiciouslyrobotic

#5 Kevina And The Coronavirus

I’m still not over this. I always knew my cousin (24F) wasn’t very smart, but I had no idea that she was such a Kevina. Thankfully I wasn’t there when this happened, or else I would have died laughing.

Ok so a bit of backstory. My grandfather owns and runs a general provisions store – kind of like a bodega. We visit him every Sunday evening after mass. My sister and I visited him before mass so we skipped going later.

At the same time, India is a diverse country in terms of people. Because of our geographical location as well as surrounding countries and various invasions over the last few centuries – the people in North India tend to be fair and almost white skinned. Some of them have light eyes. While most of the people in South India are a lot more darker. And then there’s those from the north east of India, majorly with mongoloid features. At the end of the day, we’re all Indian, regardless of how we look and sound.

Okay back to the story. My mum was at the store with her sister (my aunt) and cousin Kevina. They were chatting. Suddenly Kevina addresses my grandfather.

K: Papa be careful with the King Chili people. They all have a virus.

King chili is the Chinese restaurant 2 doors down. It’s run by north East Indians.

So my mom says, “what? Who told you this?”

Kevina very convinced says “all Chinese people have a virus. And it’s getting spread. Be careful of all these Chinese people in Chinese restaurants.”

Mom: “firstly, the virus began in China, and those who travelled there have it and are at risk.”

Kevina: “but I saw all Chinese people are being suspected for…”

Mom: “where did you see/hear that?”

Kevina: “…”

Mom: “also, the owners of King Chili are not Chinese. They’re all Indians.”

Kevina: “but they look Chinese…”

Mom: “they’re from the north east.”

And then my mom refused to tell me the rest. But I can’t get over the fact that my cousin thought that magically Chinese people all over world suddenly contracted a virus. Makes it sound like a faulty app update or something.

But in all seriousness, stay safe guys.

Image source: Head2Heels

#6 Saw This On Facebook… Lady Swears Her 3mo Pomeranian Will Grow Into A Black Lab Because She Has “Papers” That Say So

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So this was actually an image post on fb, but can’t post images here so I’ll copy it word for word. I think it counts!

“True story. A client just called for price of a bath and nails. I ask what kind of dog. She says, “I don’t know what it is now, but when it grows up, it’s going to be a black lab.” I was dumbfounded, literally. I ask her how old it was, she said it was 3 months, so I’m thinking maybe 20 lbs max so I tell her maybe $20 – $25. Swear to God, the lady brings “Red” in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry but this is a pomeranian, and she tells me, “well I know it’s going to be a black lab because I have papers at home.” I pulled up pictures of labs and poms on the computer and I still think she believes it’s going to be a black lab. I’m going home to drink wine.”

#7 “Easy” A

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When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin.

So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle.

Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed dogs and punctures it several times. He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “what did you do?”

Kevin replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.

#8 The Lights Are No Longer Left On For Mr. & Mrs. Kevin

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It was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolates placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub; indeed, its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos and, I’m told, the occasional porno. However, Mr. and Mrs. Kevin made it their monthly romantic getaway. In fact, due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests, for a period lasting a year or more, they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights.

Among the complaints that won them an extra night: –The room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening –The toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it

The manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights a guest could be eligible for. The Kevins were the only guests ever to reach this lifetime cap at our motel. Their shock over no longer having one free night a month did not end their regular getaway, however. That was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit. Mr. and Mrs. Kevin were informed that they were now on the no-rent list.

Apparently, this monthly stay was important to their marriage, because a few months later the manager received a call from Mrs. Kevin’s divorce attorney. What vital information did he need? He wanted to confirm that Mr. Kevin was responsible for both Kevins being banned from the motel. Yes, this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings. The manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible, which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted.

Not long after, Mrs. Kevin called the front desk. “You have me banned under the name Jane Kevin,” she announced. “But–” and here she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness, “that’s not my name anymore. I got divorced, and now my name is Jane Kelly.”

The front desk employee, trying to hide their laughter, said, “Ok, we’ll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly, too.”

A gasp of dismay, and the line went dead.

#9 Kevin Got Fired For Being Racist

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So, I have this guy at my work who is clearly a Kevin. Some background: I work at a small cafe, my boss is a big caucasian man and married to a lovely Chinese woman, they have 2 kids, P (man, 25) and S (woman, 17) and both work in the cafe too. They are all CLEARLY Asian and P did the a job interview with Kevin. One day I’m working with my boss and Kevin, as my boss is serving customers Kevin and I have a casual chat about the whole corona crisis. Kevin decided that this is the moment he’s been waiting for and goes on a HUGE racist rant about how the ‘filthy Chinese people’ caused this pandemic and that ‘we would be better fo without all those split eyed re****s’. Meanwhile my boss walked up behind Kevin and had heard the ENTIRE rant. My boss asks him as sincere as possible if he truly believed that all Chinese people are better off dead. Kevin, completely forgetting that my boss has Chinese kids and a Chinese wife, turns around and says ‘YES, FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS’. My boss then asks if this includes P and S. Kevin proceeds to say the most glorious thing I’ve ever witnessed: ‘No I have nothing against black people, I just can’t stand Chinese folk, I cant even be around them without smelling rice haha’. I stare at him and almost whisper to him “you know P and S are Chinese right… And that Boss is married to a Chinese woman?” KEVIN. GOES. PALE. My boss send him home and told him to come back after closing to ‘have a little chat’. Kevin got fired. TL:DR Kevin got fired for being racist to my boss about my boss’ children and wife.

#10 My Friend’s Wife Is A Kevin

He told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: “That’s terrible!”. Him: “Why is it terrible?” Her: “They’ll sell all the frozen ones and then people will start k****ng mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they’ll all be extinct!”

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#11 The Most Kevinly Kevin I Remember

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I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outted himself as a Kevin. He seemed like a normal guy until one day… Some of us were talking about the walk home from school. Kevin said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I’d been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long. Kevin explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route.

#12 Kevina Thinks She’s Bilingual

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Austrian here. My sister used to take in couch surfers from all across the world. Most were lovely fellas with interesting stories to tell. But one time, we hit the jackpot. We got a set of four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies – and one of them was an air-headed cheerleader who was one hell of a pain. Since they’re not relevant to the story, I won’t go into detail about how rude and obnoxious Kevina behaved during the days leading up to the event – but let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her. It’s New Year’s Eve, the couch surfers decide to stay with us instead of going out into the city and my sis and I go about our New Year’s celebration the same way we always do – having fondue, dancing to “The Blue Danube” and watching Dinner for One. Midnight comes and goes and within less than five minutes, Kevina takes her laptop to the other room to videocall her parents – leaving the door open. And off she goes, complaining loudly about how my sister and I are “embarrassing as foooock” (literally how she pronounced it), how “that Austrian food we had suuuucked” (as much as I would love to claim fondue for our cuisine, the French would likely be opposed), how “the mountains looked fake” and what not. My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned red as tomatoes and started giving us apologetic looks. Cue Kevina’s return – marching into the living room with the carefree attitude of the ignorant dumba*s. Kevina’s friend: “Uhmm… Kevina… we heard you. All of us.” Kevina: “Sooo whaaat? I was talking Americaaaaan.” My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down. She had been talking to us every single day in English but somehow that was different in Kevina’s world. Her friends apologized profusely, Kevina did not because she just couldn’t believe (even when we told her) that, yes, we do understand “American”.

#13 Kevina Doesn’t Understand Body Temperature

So this happened a few years back. I apply for a new job which requires a drug test for all new employees. The company is relatively small and handles all of their drug testing in house using dipsticks. There is little to no supervision or protocols when you take the drug test. They literally hand your a cup, ask you to go into one of the bathrooms stalls (is not even a single stall bathroom), have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup. They dip it right in front of you then you are done. Easy right?

So Kevina comes out and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor, who then proceeds to test it. Supervisor looks up at Kevina and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place.

Supervisor: So you want to try again?

Kevina (confused): No. You have my urine right there.

Supervisor: Oh, so you’re dead then?

Kevina (more confused): Huh?

Supervisor: Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. Either you are lying or you are dead. And since you don’t look or sound like a corpse, I’m going to assume that it is not your urine.

Kevina: It is my urine! I am cold-blooded. That’s all.

Supervisor (chuckling): Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees?

Kevina: Well I’ve never checked it, but yeah when I am nervous it’s something around there.

Needless to say, Kevina was sent home immediately and told not to come back.

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#14 I Fired Kevin After One Day Of Amazing Stupidity

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Probably one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met. He was a 26 yr old male and turned up an hour and a half late the first day. He was brought in by his mum, which I thought was kinda odd for a grown man. I let that slide but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I’d get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place. I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets – a minute or so later I hear him yelling “OOOOOPPPPPP, it won’t fit on the toilet roll holder!” I’m like what? that’s a pretty simple thing. He calls out again so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him – he’s carrying a roll of Paper Towel; it’s almost three times the length of the tp holder. “Kevin” I say, “that is paper towel”

“No it’s not”

“Yes, it is! Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?”

“Uh…no”

“Right, furthermore, and probably more perplexing – can you not see that this massive roll couldn’t possibly fit on this small bar?”

“Yeah, I thought that was odd.”

Oh boy, well, the day goes on and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for pre-cooked baked goods, I get him to give a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes down all the benches. I leave him to it as I assume he’s doing fine. Corr-ONG! One of the other staff comes and says we’ve run out of toilet paper, and I’m like what? That’s not possible. Sure enough all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage I realize there can only be one culprit, and call Kevin over, “did you do something with the toilet paper?” WTF IS WITH THIS GUY AND TOILET PAPER?

“Yes, I used it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen”

“You used EIGHT rolls of tp to wipe down the benches in the kitchen?! WHY are you using toilet paper to wipe down benches?”

“I don’t like using the dish cloth”

“WHO taught you to wipe down benches with toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper?”

“The cloth was dirty and I didn’t want to clean it out”

By this stage I’m thinking, day’s nearly over, just let it go and I’m sure it will work out fine…yeah, you know what’s coming…Kevin strikes again, and this time, it’s beyond moronic. So I’ve got him on serving customers pastries and the like because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate and give it them – he doesn’t even have to ring it up -just pop on plate and give.

Well one of the customers orders 3 scones with jam and cream. He’s behind the counter doing his thing and I have a little peek and see, yes, he’s cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later the customer brings the scones back up to the counter “There’s something really hard in these scones, I bit down and it was like crunching on a rock or something”

Of course I’m puzzled “Oh, I’m really sorry about that -” when Kevin cuts in

“It’s probably just the seeds in the jam”

Now there’s something about the way he says this that makes my alarm bells ring “Show me what you put on these scones” and I start marching toward the prep bench – sitting on the bench is the bowl of whipped cream, and next to it, in a plastic bag, is a broken glass jar which contains the jam – the m@therf@cker is feeding the customer broken glass.

“I didn’t think it would be a big deal”

“Are you F@CKING insane?!” I grab the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones “how is anyone supposed to eat this?”

To my utter – utter – amazement he proceeds to EAT THEM, in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching everytime he does. Im paralyzed dumbfounded. When he finishes eating them he says

“Do you think I should go to the hospital?”

“You’re fired”

Edit: It’s not a f@cking bay marine!

#15 Kevin Participates In Sex Ed

I teach high school at an alternative program for kids who are removed from the traditional school setting for drugs, violence, weapons, etc. One year, we got a Kevin who came to us because someone dared him to bring marijuana to school. He did, got caught, and was sent to our program.

Later that semester, we had a group come in and do sex ed. They would come every day for a week for about an hour each time. Each day brought new hilarity.

One day, Kevin explains that the best way to decide if a girl has an STD is to stick his finger in his ear, get earwax, and then shove it up her vagina. “If she jumps, she’s got something.” No amount of explanation could convince him that he was disgustingly wrong.

Another day, he asked with all seriousness, “What happens if I pee inside a girl?”

Probably the best moment was on the last day. The presenters would bring in a wooden demonstrator (called “Woody”) for students to practice condom skills. Kevin was not paying attention this day. No high school student ever wants to be the first one to put the condom on the Woody, so the presenters asked Kevin if he would be willing to demonstrate. Without any hesitation, he agreed, stood up, and began to unzip his pants. Kevin had assumed he would be the Woody and apparently had no problem with this scenario in a room full of people.

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#16 I’m Married To A Kevin

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Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevin’s. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. He is not a hairy person at all but when he gets something in his head he can’t stop thinking about it. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor and lay in it. I can picture all 6’4” 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom. He gets in the shower and rinses it off and then goes about his day. Went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out our son asked why he had a bald spot in the back of his head. OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald shaped 3 on the back of his head. After a few more days more hair fell out and it was a perfect 8.

I could write a book on the stories I have of him

#17 Rip Kevin

Firstly this isn’t a dis on this Kevin. I loved him really, his name was actually Tommy and he was an amazing guy. He died yesterday afternoon and it kinda k***ed me inside. We all called him Kev or Kevin because of his kevin-like way of life. Here are some fun memories I have had with Kevin over the years. First time I met him was my first day at my new school. I had just moved from Arizona to Manhattan because my dad had taken on a new job. I was nervous as f**k and my teacher did little to help that, she introduced me, told everyone where I was from and all that s**t. She sat me at my desk and Kevin leaned over to me and asked me if “I lived in a trailer in the middle of the desert?” And when I told him no I lived in Prescott he then asked “what state is that in?”. First time we “played out” together when we were around 14. We were on our bikes. Kevin fell off of his bike and broke his arm. Full on broken. Oddly shaped and massively swollen. He went three days before telling his mom that he had broken his arm because he thought “it would go back to normal”. Kevin then started to experiment with drugs. As we all did when we were around 16. The first time we ever did mdma Kevin took his shoes off to be “at one with the earth.” He stepped in dog s**t and then proceeded to walk through the entire house to get to the bath and wash his foot. He stepped out of the bath and slipped on his s****y footprint and knocked himself out on the toilet. On Kevin’s 21st birthday he took his d**k out in public because he was “legally old enough”. He thought gold was graded in Carrots not carats. He also thought that it was how many carrots it was worth back in the day. Kevins come in all different shapes and sizes but our Kevin was the best.

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#18 The Kevin Who Alllllmost Made Perfect Sandwiches

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This Kevin has been in my life since age 6. We grew up as friends, and I have many stories; this one is my favorite.

Kevin got a job at a gas station/fast food place.

During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well, and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese.

Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Kevin’s favorite food, and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him.

Kevin makes the man’s sandwich, and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Kevin to do it.

Kevin says, ‘Oh ya, I forgot, sorry about that,’ then proceeds to lay the sub down on its side and cut the sub long-ways.

The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Kevin in complete disbelief. Finally, the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that, and Kevin responds with, ‘That’s how you showed me.’

That was not how he was shown.

So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Kevin he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one.

Kevin makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn’t cut it.

Now, to this day none of us could figure out what went through Kevin’s mind, maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cut it long-ways again.

Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point, and the manager sent Kevin away and made the sub himself.

Kevin was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift (which there are more stories about).

When I finally confronted Kevin about the story (other friends were around, too), I had to ask him:

‘Kevin, if you had a long day at work and you’re starving so you stop to pick up a steak and cheese on the way home, and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub, they cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub?’

Kevin emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: ‘F*** no! I wouldn’t take that sandwich.’

He didn’t understand our hysterical laughter.

#19 That Time Kevin Thought He Could Understand Chinese

Pretty sure my sister is a Kevin, there are at least a dozen stories like this.

We were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, the waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order, in English. Kevin looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, “I understood everything she said!”

My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English.

EDIT: another story as requested.

So we were looking for a board game to play, there are a cabinet full of them at my parents house. Inside the cabinet is a small black box (probably 8” tall and 12” long), she asks,

“What’s that?”

“It’s a safe.”

Well, Kevina goes, “How do you play it?”

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#20 Kevin Ruins A Brand New $1000+ Uniform Because He Can’t Understand Simple Directions

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Kevin (real name is actually Kevin, I wish I was joking) is a bass drum in our marching band. In addition to his former band felonies (always being late to rehearsal, not knowing how time signatures work, dropping his drum on a daily basis) Kevin has committed a new and worse crime.

After 12 hard years of constant fundraising, our band finally bought new uniforms to replace our old ones from the 90s. These were not cheap, each uniform came with a cost of about $1000, not including the price for hats, gloves, and shoes. Because of the new uniforms, our band director drilled into us the no eating in uniform rule, a simple enough rule to follow especially if we heard it dozens of times a day.

Our last competition of the year was in a large football stadium, and due to some timing issues we wouldn’t be allowed to take our uniforms off between our performance and when we had to leave. Therefore, we would all have to wait an hour or so until we could get back to the bus and eat the dinners we had packed.

Kevin had different ideas. Apparently he had shoved money in his uniform before performing and used it to purchase a large serving of barbecue chicken wings. He then proceeded to eat them in uniform, and was completely clueless to the giant orange stain going down the entirety of the front of his white uniform until my band director saw and freaked out.

Needless to say, it was a fun time and Kevin was extremely confused as to what he did wrong. Hopefully the dry cleaners can fix it, or our band is down a $1000 uniform.

#21 Sensible Sam And Kevin

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Long time lurker, first time poster, throwaway account, on mobile, no one cares. This is about a Kevin in my program at college. She was actually a pretty mediocre kid, mostly, for the first few years. She scraped by in classes, had a few friends, and more than a few moments of pure, unadulterated Kevin-ness. Several highlights include jumping off a two story roof “to see what would happen,” a complete inability to comprehend the difference between ice cream and gelato despite many attempts to explain it to her, and drinking an unspecified amount of espresso and spent the better part of an hour literally running in circles around the architecture building to burn off the energy. At one point, a boy about a year ahead of Kevin in the program took an interest her. Let’s call him Sensible Sam (SS). SS and Kevin set up a date at a nice place just off campus. Kevin got understandably nervous before the date. Kevin’s panic response was to drink an entire large milkshake immediately prior to meeting SS. Kevin is lactose intolerant. Kevin threw up. For some godforsaken reason, SS kept dating her. They actually fell head over heels for each other, and stayed together for years, despite the fact that Kevin: Suggested a lovely little downtown place for dinner. Got horribly lost and could find neither the restaurant nor the way back to campus. Has lived in this town for years. Accidentally claimed to be single just after her and SS’s one year anniversary. Decided the minor side effects of her morning ADHD meds were not worth dealing with all day, so she started taking them at night. Her ADHD meds are effective for about six hours after being taken. She was almost entirely useless until she went to refill her prescription and her doctor told her what an idiot she is. Asked SS how to spell his last name. His last name is four letters. They had been dating for months at this point. Found a way onto the roof of the art building. Was not immune to getting in trouble after putting pictures on her Snapchat story instead of a group chat. Forgot her shoes on the “walk of shame.” Twice. Tried to take SS to meet her parents. Somehow drove to the wrong state. Signed up for a class. Forgot about it for the entire semester. Failed because she never showed up. SS proposed a week ago. Still don’t know why he deals with my dumb a*s. I got lucky, y’all.

#22 My Ex Wife Thought Ww2 Was Just A Movie She Watched

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My now ex wife was a bit of a kevina. On one of our first dates we decided to watch a movie and have dinner at my place. We decided to watch American History X. So anyone who has seen the movie knows the scene where Edward Norton starts screaming at his moms Jewish boyfriend. Well we get to this scene and my ex wife pauses the movie and I s**t you not says “So these N**i guys and these jewish people… They have an issue with each other?” She thought WW2 was just a movie she watched in the 8th grade.. Edit: To address alot of comments all at once She picked the movie not me. Yes im aware this should have been a red flag. I was 17 almost 18 with low confidence she was super hot and great in the sack. Yes I am new to reddit and I don’t always hit the right button.

#23 My Sister Is Worried About Gunpoint, USA

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My sister turned 21 today so I have been mulling over some of her more extreme kevin moments while writing a speech for her party. This is one of my faves:

About three years ago my brother was about to move to New York (we live in Western Australia). My sister came up to him with a grave look on her face and asked if he was going to ‘Gunpoint’. He was confused and asked her clarify, she said that she didn’t think he should go there. My brother asked her if she thought ‘Gunpoint’ was an actual place and she responded that she thought it was a place in NYC and it didn’t sound very safe because people were always getting “held up” at Gunpoint.

#24 My High School Friend, The Most Dangerous Of All Kevins, The Book Smart One

Now Kevina was drop dead gorgeous. UK size 8/US 4, tallish for a girl, blonde, stacked, duuuuuuumb.

She was incredibly book smart though. Maths, chemistry, biology absolutely spot on, straight A’s. She struggled with physics and English and it puzzled her teachers as the skills she needed to pass, she could obviously utilise given her grades in other subjects. And a lot of them covered the same material, she did pass everything eventually and attended university, but I digress.

The highlights from our time were:

— She put tinfoil in the microwave and it caught fire. She put the microwave in the kitchen sink and turned on the tap to put the fire out. While it was still plugged in.

— She was having trouble with geography and the teacher was trying to explain and failed. Eventually the teacher resorted to basics and asked her to point north. Kevina pointed to the ceiling.

— She did a weird dance thing with her feet while we both were shoeless. I tried it and failed and said I think I’ve broken my heel because I’d slammed them together. She told me to not be so stupid as I couldn’t break a heel with no shoes on. I proceeded to explain to her what the different parts of your foot were called. She was mesmerised.

— She would argue vehemently with me that it was perfectly safe for her to fish toast out of the toaster with a metal knife as “I’ve done it loads of times and I’ve never been electrocuted”, YET my dear friend.

— If you asked Kevina directions she’d have to hold her hands up to “look for the L for left”, fair enough, a lot of people struggle with that and use that trick. Kevina would do it palms facing her.

— We watched a movie together once and about halfway through I realised she shared her name with the main actress and pointed it out. Her reply “Really?! What’s her name?!”.

Image source: samanthuhh

#25 My Boss’ Stepson Is A Kevin To End All Kevins

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So just over a year ago I switched jobs and went to work for a guy (Bob) who is running a new/used aquarium shop. The shop was built onto his house, so as a result I’ve become pretty close with his family, including his 15-year-old stepson, who is the most Kevin person I’ve ever met. For the first couple months, I thought he was just a bit quirky and clumsy, but as I’ve come to know him more, I’ve discovered that he is a Kevin of the highest order. Now, I’ve known some dumb teenagers in my time. Hell, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Just in the year that I’ve known him: He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. He cannot climb a flight of stairs without tripping up them. This is a multiple-times-a-day occurrence. He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk-sock. He went to the school nurse that day because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock. He wants to be the first pro-Trump rapper, and is currently p****d off at Kanye for stealing his idea. He’s failing gym class. I have no idea how one fails gym class. He has broken more than 20 aquariums in the last year. When we buy used tanks, they need washed and leak-tested before we resell them. Kevin sometimes does this to help out, but can’t understand that when you wrap the hose around an aquarium, you can’t just yank it free. For reference, I’ve been in the aquarium hobby for 12 years and I’ve broken 2. He’s not allowed to clean tanks any more. Bob was selling an older fairly-good-condition Cadillac that had been sitting in his driveway for a while. The day before the buyer came to pick it up, Kevin was mowing the yard and scraped the handle of the mower along the entire length of one side of the car. He likes to use “Jew” as an insult. When I called him out on it, I discovered that he thought that Jewish people didn’t actually exist. He thought that they were an imaginary race of people that everyone pretended to hate. He played lacrosse on his school’s team this summer, and got benched all season because he told the coach that he didn’t need to run laps or go to practice. This is probably why he’s failing gym class. He left in the morning like normal to go catch the bus. 3 hours later, he came back saying that he missed the bus, and he needed to be driven to school. The problem? It was Labor Day. There was no school. He stood at the bus stop for 3 hours on a day when there was no school. He eats absolutely everything in sight. If you leave food unattended for more than 10 seconds, it’s gone. Bob went to Taco Bell and got food for the four of us. Kevin was left alone with it and ate his, mine, Bob’s, and half of his mom’s food before he realized that it probably wasn’t all for him. When he found out that I’m a chilehead, he bragged for a week about how he loved super spicy food too. He then tried a glob of my Exhorresco (after I warned him repeatedly not to) and spent the next two hours crying and blaming me. We’ve been gradually remodeling the house when we’re not working in the store. Kevin’s bedroom was the first room we finished. He managed to put a hole in the wall on the first day he moved in. One day, completely out of the blue, he asked me “I know girls don’t have a penis, but is there just like a hole beneath their belly button where a penis would be?”. Bob told Kevin to wash the truck one day earlier this year. Kevin thought he’d be helpful and wash out the fuel tank as well. With water. His school lets him rent a tablet for schoolwork. He got it taken away within a week because he was using it for porn. I assume he wanted to find out if girls had a hole where a penis should be. His parents signed him up for tutoring to help with his grades.