30 Unhinged Things That People’s Spouses Have Done

Once upon a time we all delusionally believed that marriage would be our happily ever after just like in the movies. Of course, time has taught us that things are very different in real life with two flawed people coming together to try and make a partnership work. 

#1 My sweet, beautiful, loving wife is an Irish immigrant. She’s only been here in the US for 6 years and still has moments of culture shock. Mainly with how rude people can be in public. A woman approached us at the grocery store as we were discussing dinner, and told her the classic “you need to speak english”. Yes, my wife can be difficult to understand, and it can sound like she’s speaking some sort of dark orcish language. So my wife removes the bottle of drain cleaner from our cart and told this woman to go drink it, and suggested mixing it with diet coke to make it go down. Security was called, I was a mix of mortified, and proud, and my wife made a comment about “years of bloody war and terrorism, and she thought I’d just roll over like some helpless b***h”.

Ps, security did not remove anybody from the store, but the other woman was told in no uncertain terms that she was not allowed to harass other customers if she would like to be allowed to shop there in the future.

My wife saw me typing this, and said “you tell em’ I’ll do it again”.

Image source: Nexus6Leon

#2 Been married for 7 years, when my wife goes to sleep, she giggles. At first I thought it was cute, then it got kinda scary because hearing someone giggle in the dark is never cute. My only coping mechanism is going to bed before she does.

Image source: markerpenz, Gregory Pappas

#3 It’s very early morning and we’re both sleeping in bed. My eyes are closed and my back is to him. I hear: “Are you going to get up?” I answer (half asleep) “Not yet.” My husband says: “You heard that, too?” My blood went cold. Chills everywhere.

He thought I said it, I thought he said it. Neither of us said it.

Both of us had forgotten to set our alarms and would have been late for work. The voice woke us around our normal alarm time. We learned later that the previous owner had poltergeist-like activity years ago.

We’re big fans of the ghost now but in the moment, it was incredibly creepy.

Image source: Jambon__55

#4 My husband is a hugger. One night he was asleep very soundly, and rolled over to hug me. And he held me and squeezed me so tight that I could hardly breathe, it was a deathgrip. He wouldn’t wake up, didn’t let go, and I wasn’t strong enough to break free. I had to bite him, which still didn’t wake him up, just made him let go. And then I had to explain the bite mark the next day (didn’t draw blood, but was tender and a bruise). He was mortified.

Image source: Koevis, Kampus Production

#5 Husband was asleep next to me, I had stayed up reading. All of a sudden he starts talking about how there’s a vampire outside the house. Still dead asleep.

I thought it was kinda funny until he starts describing the vampire coming into our house. “He’s opening the door…now he’s sneaking through the vent….now he’s in the next room over…”

I woke his a*s up so fast. I didn’t sign up for a f*****g ghost story in my own damn house. F**k that.

Image source: snazzisarah

#6 My husband talks in his sleep. One time, he rolled over toward me, chuckled, and then said, “Your bones are finally dry.” He never remembers what he says by morning but I’ll literally never forget that one lol.

Image source: One-Addendum-3744

#7 My ex husband had returned from a deployment and it was a pretty rough one. He was there for Fallujah and yeah, just tough on him. He was having a hard time sleeping and was prescribed a couple of doses of Ambien to get back on the US clock.

I was sleeping but woke up when I heard a metal shink clink and saw that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. I asked if he was ok and he turned his head to me slowly and said something inchoherent then put his finger to his lip in a shush and slowly turned his head back to face the door.

I got up and he was sitting there on the edge of the bed, buck a*s naked except for his socks and boots (laced up) holding his locked and loaded AK-47 (that was the sound I heard). He’d somehow gotten up, found his gun safe keys, went to the basement, pulled out his AK, pulled his ammo out of the separate ammo box, loaded a magazine, put on his boots, and come back to bed.

I was instantly as awake as a human can be, like this s**t could go real f*****g bad real f*****g fast. I told him it was my turn for guard duty and to get some sleep. He just kind of grunted and fell sideways into bed, rolled over, and started snoring. I earned my ninja badge that night getting the gun away from him. I didn’t sleep a wink because I couldn’t find the gun safe keys so I just kept vigil in bed and read a book, soothing him when he started stirring.

He remembered none of it. I locked his gun safe keys away from him for a very long time after that night and he didn’t take Ambien again. That s**t really f***s with people.

Image source: One_Science8349

#8 He out stalked my stalker. On one hand it was great that he was able to get the stalker to back off because the police refused to do anything but say “*we* feel your life isn’t at risk.” but it was also definitely the creepiest thing my husband ever did.

Image source: 2baverage, Craig Whitehead

#9 One night,I was drifting off to sleep when my husband suddenly shot up in bed, swiping at his arms.

I asked him what was wrong. He said the spiders were on his arms. What spiders, you may ask?

The spiders that dream me apparently threw a box of at him.

He also told me that it was very rude to throw boxes of spiders at people.

He also told me that I wasn’t allowed to sell our daughter. Which was very nice but I wasn’t going to sell her. Again that would also be very rude.

Image source: Pandas_are_cute_56

#10 My husband and I were asleep when I’m awoken to my husband sitting up with his finger to his lip going “shhhh” ?. So naturally I said “Why are you saying shhh?” And he deadass pointed to the dark corner of the room and said “because that man over there wants you to be quiet.” It still gives me the chills.

Image source: Free_Bingo, Sander Sammy

#11 I was in a five year relationship. Every week we would buy like 18 eggs. But she was vegan and I wasn’t eating those eggs. So this goes on month after month.

I start getting mad that she is clearly throwing them away.

What a waste. Like even if you’re vegan you’re just leading me to buy more eggs which supports the industry even more.

I start seeing the kitchen is a mess when I wake up. I go to bed after her, I get up before her. What the hell.

Then one day I hit my head on a wall in the middle of the night. It woke me up. I had a plate of maybe 8 eggs and a messy kitchen. I had been sleep walking and cooking. Never happened after that.

Image source: Little4nt

#12 My husband and I met online and married after only six months. It was a whirlwind but it was the right choice—10 years in and it’s still great. However! One night a month or two after we married, I woke up in the night to him death gripping my skull. Not sure if he was sleeping, I panicked, thinking I’d married an abuser. I talked to him, nothing. I finally eased his hand off of me and breathed a sigh of relief. Another few seconds went by and his hand whipped out and grabbed my skull again. Then I really panicked. Eventually he let go and I lay there in the dark trying not to think of what I’d gotten myself into and being grateful he grabbed me where he did, and not an inch or two further down where his fingers would have gone into my eyes.

Come morning, he had absolutely no memory of this whatsoever. He has never done it again. He has never been even remotely harsh with me, ever, so it’s something we laugh about now. What I wouldn’t give to know what he was dreaming that night!!

Image source: Lindsaydoodles

#13 My wife is a sleep talker. It’s usually just gibberish,but one when she was a asleep and I was watching a movie sat upright and looked at and said”those clowns won’t get my ice cream “. Slapped me in the face and went to sleep. I was like ok the clowns won’t get her ice cream.

Image source: nameitb0b, Ron Lach

#14 He thought of the most innocent word he could, and then started to creepily whisper it to me. This has been going on for years…now he has trained our children to do it.

Image source: MrsKlein31, cottonbro studio

Think of someone randomly leaning over your shoulder and whispering ‘bagel’ in your ear like Hannibal Lector. It only happens occasionally so I’ll have my guard up for a few weeks after it happens, then I kind of forget about it…until he does it again. My toddler can never remember the right word so he just whispers random words in my ear occasionally and it cracks me up.

#15 Not married, but my ex was a marine with some pretty gnarly ptsd. One of the first few nights I spent at his place, I woke up to him yelling at me to get down, covering my body with his, and start yelling military-like orders.

I had not known his ptsd was that bad up until that point and it scared the absolute f**k out of me.

Image source: CheshireCharade

#16 So, picture this: it’s a dark and stormy night (no, seriously, it was!), and I’m home alone because my wife, Rachel, was working late. Our house is one of those old Victorian types with creaky floors and spooky vibes, especially when the wind howls and the rain lashes against the windows. You get the picture.

I’m sitting in the living room, binge-watching a true crime documentary, which in hindsight, was a terrible idea. The documentary was about this serial killer who broke into people’s houses. Just as the detective in the show goes, “The intruder was never caught,” I hear a noise from the kitchen. My heart nearly leaps out of my chest.

I pause the show, straining to hear. Nothing. I brush it off as the wind and hit play. Then, a loud crash. I’m not talking about a small thud; it was like someone dropped a whole cabinet of pots and pans. I jump up, grab the nearest weapon-like object (which, hilariously, was a baguette), and tiptoe towards the kitchen.

As I creep closer, the sounds get louder – rustling, shuffling, and then… humming? My mind is racing: Is this it? Am I going to be the subject of the next true crime episode?

I burst into the kitchen, baguette raised, and flick on the lights. There, standing in the middle of the room, is my wife Rachel, completely oblivious to my terror. She’s wearing her headphones, belting out Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at the top of her lungs while organizing the Tupperware cabinet.

Now, here’s where it gets really creepy (or hilarious, depending on your perspective). She didn’t see or hear me come in, and she’s really into the song. So, in my panic-fueled brain, I decide the best course of action is to… sing along. Yes, with the baguette as my microphone.

I start belting out the chorus, matching her volume. Rachel, thinking she’s still alone, almost jumps out of her skin when she realizes she’s got an unexpected duet partner. She whips around, yanks off her headphones, and we have this brief, heart-stopping moment of eye contact. Then she bursts out laughing.

Turns out, she’d come home early, saw I was engrossed in my show, and decided to let me be while she tackled the chaos that was our Tupperware situation. She’d had no idea she was about to give me a mini heart attack.

To this day, every time I hear Whitney Houston, I have flashbacks to that night, my ‘weapon’ of choice, and the impromptu karaoke session. Rachel still teases me about how I tried to “fight off” a potential intruder with a loaf of bread. And me? Well, I make sure to always check if she’s home before starting any true crime marathons.

Image source: GratefulGang77

#17 She watches surgery videos to relax before bed.

Image source: cotsomewhereintime, Daniel Apodaca

#18 Back when my husband and I were dating, we lived in apartment that had a hospice patient in the apartment below us who eventually passed.

Image source: Admirable-Mousse2472, Majestic Lukas

One night my husband fell asleep with the TV on. I woke to turn it off and went back to bed. He suddenly sat up in bed and stared at the doorway to our room for a few minutes. Eyes wide open. I’m freaking out at this point thinking he’s f*****g with me, I’m trying to get him to respond, saying it’s not funny anymore. He just suddenly says, “you’re not welcome here.” Stares for about 5 more minutes and then just lays down and goes back to sleep with his back to me.

Needless to say, no matter what I did that man would not wake up. The next morning he had no memory of it and it never happened again. Still makes my gut churn when I think back on it.

**Edit to update since it’s been asked a bunch. The hospice patient had passed away in the apartment directly below us like a week before this incident. So the timing just made it that much scarier ??.

#19 One night, my spouse sleepwalked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and started having a full conversation with a jar of pickles. I’m still not sure who won that debate.

Image source: Ok-Technician-980, Athena Sandrini

#20 The creepiest thing my husband ever did was sleepwalk into the living room, stare at me with their eyes wide open and whisper my name repeatedly. I was watching TV late at night and it felt like a scene from a horror movie.

Image source: Cuntymanda, Rachel Claire

#21 My wife was sleeping in the passenger seat on a late night drive home from visiting her family. Our very young kids are in the back seats out cold too.

Image source: Bgrngod, KoolShooters

She suddenly snaps up and grabs the wheel screaming something about how I, the totally awake and driving just fine driver, am about to drive us off a cliff. She was full strength trying to turn the wheel to the right, which would have been bad.

I started yelling “No NO NO!!” Quickly realizing that wasn’t stopping her I had to full on NBA rebound the wheel with my elbows way out, and shove her very hard back into her seat. I managed to get a hold of her upper arm and used it to shove her into the door when she apparently still hadn’t realized the reality of the situation and made another grab for the wheel.

There was a lot of cursing and screaming. It was not pretty.

Once she figured out what she had done, she lost it and started gasp-crying worse than I’ve ever seen.

The rest of the drive home was pretty rough.

#22 He bought a bulk bag of tiny plastic babies and put them everywhere that I might find them. In my medicine bottles, in tissue boxes, there’s even one swimming in a tub of Vaseline in the bathroom. They’re everywhere. Edited to add that I have located the bag-o-babies. I plan to retaliate. Now accepting ideas on where to put them.

Image source: greatpiginthesty, miraculousoffical

#23 My wife talks in her sleep. Usually just things about her day, a video game she’s playing, etc.

However.

One night, I walk into our bedroom and she says (sounding very cognizant, mind you), “Who is that with you?”

…I demanded she wake up and reassure me she was sleeping and had not, in fact, seen someone entering the room behind me.

On a slightly less creepy occasion, as I was coming into the room, she said “You’re coming to bed now? Then who is in bed with me?”

…I did wake her up for that one as well ?.

Image source: kimba65

#24 My boyfriend has a highly suggestable state of almost hypnosis right before he falls asleep or right when you suddenly wake him up. It has led to many creepy things, but the worst one by far was the time I came into the bedroom, turned on the light, and he just vampire sits up in bed, like fully mechanical bending only at the waist. He then very slowly and mechanically turns his head to me, smiles very very wide, and says

“I’m really glad you’re here.” In the CREEPIEST SLOW VOICE. I decided to go right back downstairs for the night. He doesn’t remember it at all.

Image source: Redvixenx

#25 My pale a*s Russian wife sleeps like a vampire. Arms crossed and all that.

Image source: BigMaraJeff2, Di_An_h

She also had a weird up bringing and believes in premonitions. Twice she hasn’t me to go somewhere because she had a bad dream. Twice, I got into a wreck that same day. Then, one time, she told me she dreamed she would find a black cat outside and that she would be pregnant. A week f*****g later I heard meowing coming from outside. I’m like hey go feed your stray (she would feed the apartment strays and talk to them. Real Disney princess s**t.) She comes back with this black kitten and was like I told you so. We had never seen this stray before. And then a week later she peed on a stick and it was positive.

Normally, I don’t put stock in these things, but she is 3 for 3.

#26 Not my wife. The girl I dated before my wife. She had night terrors. Like sitting up in bed and screaming at her sister at the end of her bed. Of course there was no one there.

Image source: otter111a, Simran Sood

The one that really sticks out though was the Philly incident. Earlier in the day some sketchy dudes began following us near the tourist area. We turn, they turn. Etc. it got to the point that I said if any of them try to get our attention just run. We looked back on that as being the seed that started what happened that night.

We had a pretty normal nighttime routine for a hotel. Normally at hotels I leave the bathroom light on and the door slightly ajar as a nightlight. This time I didn’t.

In the pitch black of the night I am awakened to her screaming “there’s someone in the room! Holy s**t! Help help help!”

Next thing you know I have hands around my neck beginning to choke me. Now I’m screaming in terror. I manage to pry one hand loose and I just start biting it. “Owww!! They’re biting me!! Help ahhhh.”

I realized exactly what was happening. I think by then I was also up out of bed and I found the light switch. We calmed down.

What we always thought was odd was that no one checked on us. This was two adults screaming in an airport hotel in the middle of the night like they were being murdered and no one checked on us.

#27 I woke up once and he was laughing in his sleep. Then I heard our kid laughing in her sleep. She was upstairs and I heard her through the monitor. I was super creeped out the rest of the night.

Image source: jenntenntenn

#28 He sometimes makes sounds like The Predator in his sleep. It is not a good sound to wake up to. I wake up in terror every single time, and he’s still out cold, clicking and drooling away.

Image source: not_my_leo, Adi Goldstein

#29 I guess sleep walking is genetic and I married into it. My husband and all three kids sleep walk. When the kids were little, I rarely got a full nights sleep. Bonus was one night the oldest decided the walls were dirty so she cleaned all the walls in the living room with her blanket.

Image source: dunwerking

#30 I shaved the side of my head, and the first thing he did was lick my scalp. I have never been more offended or disturbed in my life.

Image source: infinibelle, Karolina Kaboompics